To question something we once held dear is never easy, and when this involves a matter of faith it is doubly difficult. We feel that even the faintest suggestion of doubt is somehow a betrayal of God, and sadly there are always a few over-zealous individuals ready to reinforce such feelings. Yet, properly understood, doubt is a part of faith, almost its corollary. When we have the courage to voice our questions openly and honestly, then faith is enabled to break new ground as God leads us to a deeper understanding and greater maturity in Christ.
Lord, I’m not sure any more
Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Mark 9:24
Thomas said, ‘Unless I see the marks of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the
mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.’ John 20:25b
Lord, I’m not sure any more –
not like I used to be.
There was a time when it was all so clear,
everything black and white.
But now?
I just don’t know.
And I’m lost and frightened.
It’s not that I don’t believe any more –
simply that the edges have become blurred,
the picture fuzzy, no matter how I try to focus it.
And I can’t say why – that’s what really frightens me.
There’s no one moment I can put my finger on
and say that’s where it all started,
where the rot set in,
where the damage was done.
It’s rather that, slowly,
like it or not,
my view on life has changed –
few things as certain as I once thought,
few truths as uncomplicated as I once imagined.
What I see one way, those around me see another.
What’s right in one place is wrong in the next.
What seemed obvious yesterday is a mystery today.
Why, Lord?
What’s happening to me?
What’s gone wrong?
I’d like it to be different,
to be as it always was before,
and I feel as if I’m failing you because it isn’t –
letting the side down almost,
though that’s the last thing I want to do.
Yet what option is there?
I could pretend,
put on a show,
go through the motions.
And yes, I might fool others,
maybe even myself.
But never you, Lord,
that’s the trouble –
never you.
My child,
stop torturing yourself,
stop apologising.
I’m glad you’re not sure,
for there are few people I like less
than those convinced of their own rightness.
Oh, I know it’s not easy, living with doubt.
I know you’d love to have everything crystal clear,
mapped out to the last detail.
But do you honestly think that would be faith?
Let me tell you this –
if you think you know it all, you don’t,
if you imagine you’ve understood, you haven’t,
if you believe you’ve got it right,
you’ve almost certainly got it wrong.
Or do you really imagine you’re like me –
your thoughts, my thoughts,
your ways, my ways?
No, don’t be ashamed of doubt,
for it’s not answers I’m looking for;
it’s a willingness to ask the questions –
to keep on looking,
keep on striving,
keep on accepting there’s another step still to be taken,
just when you thought the end was in sight.
It may be hard to live with –
I’m well aware of that –
but, believe me, it’s not doubt that will destroy you,
despite what some people may say:
it’s a faith that will not question.
For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in
part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12
Then he said to Thomas, ‘Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.’ Thomas answered him, ‘My Lord and my God!’ John 20:27-28
I recognise lots in this. Such a valuable post.
Thanks again, Lesley