Here’s a session from my book The Teacher on the theme of forgiveness. The emphasis in this instance is not on the pardon that God offers us, but on our learning to forgive others; something that can be incredibly hard to do, but that is so important, not just for their sake, but for ours.
Forgiveness
I saw a family divided, brother from brother, mother from daughter, father from son – what had begun as a disagreement having turned to a feud: opinions hardened, positions entrenched. Words had been spoken, insults traded, and none could forgive.
Then I said to the Teacher, ‘Speak to me of forgiveness, of making peace.’
And the Teacher answered, ‘Friendship prospers where people are willing to admit mistakes; nagging about them, instead, divides even the most steadfast of friends.’
Then I was ashamed, for though I seek to forgive, I fail to do so, and though I strive to let go, I keep hold instead, dredging up the same mistakes, resurrecting the same grievances, raising the same complaints. For it is easier to hold on to resentment, no matter what the price, than to let it go without recompense.
And I saw how a failure to forgive destroys relationships, denying the opportunity to move on; how the one wronged becomes the one who wrongs, the one hurt the one who hurts, the one refusing to forgive the one most in need of forgiving. For bitterness poisons not just others but ourselves most of all.
So I asked the Teacher, ‘Show me the secret of forgiveness.’
And the Teacher replied, ‘Wisdom nurtures patience, and teaches you the special gift of being
able to forgive and forget.’
Then I understood that forgiveness must be learnt, like so much else in life; that it is an art we must cultivate rather than a gift we inherit.
And I saw that until we forgive, we cannot forget, and unless we forget we cannot forgive. For, like grit in the eye or a stone in the shoe, a hurt remembered constantly plagues us, refusing to be ignored. Yet if we cannot forgive, why should we expect forgiveness? And if the pardon we receive were to depend on the pardon we give, where then would any of us be?
I saw also that what is hardest to forgive is what we cannot forgive in ourselves; that what hits too close to home rankles and unsettles us, reminding us of what we’d rather forget, uncovering what we try to bury.
Truly, forgiveness breeds forgiveness, and resentment, resentment; a wrong allowed to fester is a wrong multiplied, while an error pardoned is an error resolved.
So then, my counsel is this: learn to forgive and to go on forgiving, not just for the sake of others but for yours also. And if you would truly move on and build a better future, first let go of the past.