I WASN’T SURE EVEN THEN!
Reading
Then Gideon said to God, ‘In order to see whether you will deliver Israel by my hand, as you have said, I am going to lay a fleece of wool on the threshing floor; if there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will deliver Israel by my hand, as you have said.’ And it was so. When he rose early next morning and squeezed the fleece, he wrung enough dew from the fleece to fill a bowl with water. Then Gideon said to God, ‘Do not let your anger burn against me, let me speak one more time; let me, please, make trial with the fleece just once more; let it be dry only on the fleece, and on all the ground let there be dew.’ And God did so that night. It was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew. Judges 6:36-40
The meditation of Gideon
I wasn’t sure even then!
After all God had done,
the signs he’d given,
I still couldn’t get the questions out of my head.
I tried, heaven knows,
but the truth was,
whatever signs he may have given,
they could never silence the doubts inside.
Yet I needed assurance –
a protective arm around my shoulder,
a quiet word of encouragement –
for I was as human as the next man,
unsure of myself despite the bravado,
and the task before me was onerous by any standards,
a challenge I could do without.
So I dared to bargain.
It sounds presumptuous, I know,
even arrogant, some might say,
for who was I, a mere mortal,
to make demands of God?
Surely he was the one to set conditions, not me?
But, incredibly, he not only listened to my terms,
he accepted them,
happy to offer the proof I needed!
You’d have thought I’d be happy then, wouldn’t you,
sure of my destiny?
And I was –
for a time –
ready and raring to go.
But only for a moment, that’s what grieves me –
a brief burst of faith
and then the fears returned,
nibbling away at my hard-won confidence,
so that before I knew it I was back on my knees,
hands clasped in prayer:
‘Lord, give me a sign.’
He could have brushed me aside without compunction,
struck me down had he wished,
for there were plenty of others just as able,
just as gifted,
and probably far more faithful than I could ever be.
But he didn’t.
With touching patience and awesome grace
he responded again,
once more the sign I asked for
just as I’d asked for it.
I went then, out into battle –
I could hardly do otherwise, could I?
But I still wasn’t sure,
for though a sign may say much
it finally proves nothing.
There was no other way, I realised it then,
no choice but to throw caution to the wind
and step out in faith –
though I still hedged my bets,
reluctant to let go to the end.
But the funny thing is, once I did, everything changed –
no more need for signs,
no asking for reassurance –
I knew God was with me
not because of any sign he had given,
but through the touch of his hand,
the closeness of his presence,
and the knowledge of his love with me day by day.
What more proof could I ever need!
Prayer
Gracious God,
like your servant Gideon
we often feel uncertain about the way ahead.
We see problems rather than the opportunities.
We remember failure instead of success.
We are filled with doubt rather than faith.
And, like Gideon once again,
we crave for a sign,
some assurance that you will see us safely through.
Forgive us for finding it so hard to trust you,
for so easily forgetting all you have done for us.
We do not deserve any proof,
yet so often in your mercy
you provide the sign we are looking for.
Teach us at such times to follow without reserve,
and grant that we may draw closer to you
until we need no further confirmation of your purpose
than the daily, living reality of your presence.
Amen.