From the book I am currently working on, Still, Still with Thee – a book of morning and evening prayers for every day of the year – a prayer of confession that asks the question: Do I really mean it?
In your unfailing love, O God, show mercy to me. In your copious mercy, expunge my faults.
Wash me completely of my mistakes; cleanse me of my sins.
Psalm 51:1-2
Forgive me, Lord, I repeatedly pray,
for I have sinned, gone astray, let you down –
but do I really mean it?
I wonder sometimes;
question whether I have any real intention of changing.
Or am I happy, rather, to assume that, when I fail again,
always you will pardon?
Those mistakes I make –
that repeated giving in to envy, pride, greed, selfishness,
anger, malice, impatience, resentment –
am I truly resolved to overcome such things:
to put them behind me and start again?
I like to think so,
and in my better moments, yes, the intention is real, the prayer sincere,
but then the old self triumphs over the new,
and once again I’m on my knees muttering the same old refrain:
‘Lord, have mercy.’
You do, that’s the amazing thing.
Time after time you put the past behind me and invite me to start again.
And I can’t thank you enough for that.
But save me from taking such love for granted,
from assuming it can forever paper over the cracks.
Remind me that if the remorse is false, the regret a charade,
then, much though you long to pardon, I will put myself beyond it.
So today, Lord, I’m asking you once more –
earnestly, fervently, wholeheartedly –
have mercy upon me,
and help me to approximate more nearly to the person you want me to be.
Amen.